I’m Having a Heart Attack
I tell the Emergency Room receptionist. She looks at me unworried and tells me to have a seat. I’m twenty-one. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest; I’m short of breath and freaking out. From a medical context, it is 1979. I’m finally seen and told that I am not having a heart attack; I am simply hyperventilating. The nurse gave me a brown lunch bag and told me to breathe into it if this happens again. Who knew it would for the next twenty years?
Hyperventilation is breathing rapidly and deeply. You suck in extra oxygen, causing the level of carbon dioxide in your blood to drop. This will result in feeling short of breath, having a fast heart rate, and, potentially, feeling lightheaded.
I don’t recall if the term panic attack was used at this first ER visit. There would be more such visits until I became convinced that I wasn’t having a heart attack.
Heart attacks were on my mind. My stepfather had died of a heart attack three months earlier. He had been angry at me before he died. He had asked if I was gay. I told him that I was. He told me I wasn’t and then stopped talking to me. We had spoken once or twice but had not reconciled before his death.
My panic attacks were severe and nearly constant for two years. Though young and fit, I had all kinds of wacky symptoms, along with the typical hyperventilation ones. For a while, I called it left-side disease because I just felt strange down the left side of my body.
I went to therapy. I read about anxiety and panic attacks. I talked to friends and family. No doctor ever offered me pills. This may be a good thing because I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. There may have been, however, something that would have helped.
The panic attacks continued. They were less frequent as time passed but remained a part of my life for the next twenty years.
I got a better therapist. She helped me understand myself, my choices, my dreams, and my desires. I got sober. I might not have a panic attack for a couple of months, and then I’d be in a train station or on my way to work, and an attack would hit. Sometimes, I’d have a lunch bag. Other times, I’d sit and try to calm myself.
Just after I turned 40, my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was my step-sister, my stepfather’s oldest daughter, but we never said step. We worked together to put together her treatment plan. Her diagnosis was grim. She and I were determined to get her well.
Months passed. I didn’t notice right away. We were busy. I wasn’t having panic attacks.
She fought like hell and died after three years of aggressive treatment.
I never had another panic attack.
The attacks that started after my stepfather died ended when my sister died.
Many people have similar stories, and I value hearing from you.
If you suffer from such attacks or high anxiety, it can be helpful to consult with a doctor. Medicine has advanced since my early attacks.
It is also helpful to learn techniques to calm your nervous system.
Our nervous system has two modes.
Sympathetic Nervous System
The more familiar one is Flight or Fight. That is our Sympathetic Nervous System. We are designed to spot and run from bears. We tend to be in this mode in any work situation or when we get anxious and reactive. Your heart rate increases, digestion slows, and muscles get ready for action. Many of my clients spend most of their day in Sympathetic mode.
Parasympathetic Nervous System
So, what is the opposite of our Sympathetic Nervous System? What is our other mode? In contrast to Fight vs. Flight, our parasympathetic system is known as rest and digest. Doesn’t that sound lovely? In this mode, we can relax, allow our heart rate to slow, our muscles to release tension, and our digestion to activate.
What? Uh? How?
Step by step.
There are many ways and techniques. You’ll find what works best for you. I am grateful to my yoga training for teaching me these techniques. Would I had learned them earlier in life.
I meditate. At the start of my day, I find a comfortable place. Maybe my legs are crossed like you see people in yoga. Perhaps I’m in my favorite chair. Whatever makes me comfortable. Being comfortable comes first. I might set a timer, but I prefer not to unless I need to be somewhere at a specific time. It’s nice to take the time I want to take that morning. I sit. I get quiet.
Come to stillness. I focus on my breathing. Feel my inhalations. Feel my exhalations. I invite my breathing to lengthen. So, if my inhalation takes one count and my exhalation one count, I can ask my breathing to extend to two counts. I like to get to about four counts. Slowing my breathing automatically relaxes me. I’ve learned I relax even more if my exhales are longer. So maybe 4 in and 6 or 8 out. I sit. I get quiet. Come to stillness — I breathe. I sit. I stay quiet. I stay still. I let thoughts come and go without attachment. I stay focused on my breathing. When I’m done — five minutes, 10 minutes, 18 minutes, some days only 2 minutes — I go on about my day.
But I keep this idea with me. So often during our day, there are moments when nothing is happening. We’re waiting for something. One thing has finished, and the next thing hasn’t started. What do you usually do? I know what I used to do every time. I pull out my phone, look at it, read a text, send a text, watch a video, or play a game. Now, when I find those moments of stillness during the day, I take another moment for attention meditation. I get quiet. I observe. I lengthen my breath. And I find these little mini-breaks during the day help me stay relaxed. Help me to remain kind towards myself — and others. It allows me to keep calm.
I’m not always great at falling asleep or staying asleep. However, I learned this technique in an acting class as a teen and never forgot it. I was taught it again in my yoga training. It’s a good one — a Body Scan.
Sit or lie down comfortably. You may want to close your eyes here, particularly if you invite yourself to sleep. If you prefer, you can keep your eyes open. You could soften your gaze and look down towards your nose.
You will start with your feet and move muscle by muscle up your body to your head. This is a beautiful way to be nice to yourself and love your body, even if you sometimes don’t. Start with your feet. Tense the muscles and release. I like to breathe in and imagine breathing air into that area. Move up to your calves. Tighten and release. Keep going up your leg. See if you can tighten your quadriceps — the muscles between your knee and your hip on the front. And then your hamstrings. The muscles down the back of your leg from your buttocks to below your knee. See if you can tighten your hamstrings and release them. If it is hard to isolate, tense the whole leg and release. Keep going up to your hip area. Can you squeeze like you have to pee and release? Tighten your glutes, and release. Keep going to your belly. See again if you can tighten your stomach and release, then tighten your lower back and release. If it is hard to separate, tighten it all together. Tighten your chest and release. Your upper back and release. Your shoulders and release. Your arms and ease. Your neck and release. Some of these locations may be where you are tight all day long. It’s nice to take a moment and try to release. Squeeze your face together and release. Tighten your skull muscles and release. Tighten everything in your whole body and relax. Do those three times. Maybe now you can start to fall asleep. Slow breathing with a longer exhale helps, too.
It is all about what works for you. I’m making suggestions from my experiences. Experiment. Be kind to yourself.
Try:
meditation
Walks in Nature
Dancing
Stretching
Yin Yoga
Restorative Yoga
Tai Chi
Warm Baths
Massage
Reading
Sleeping
Be in sympathetic mode when you need to for work or to accomplish something. Invite parasympathetic mode when you want to relax and release anxiety and panic.
You can have a paper bag on hand, too.
I am grateful for all of my experiences. My panic attacks taught me a lot about myself, my reactions, my coping mechanisms, and where I find peace. I am happy to be on the other side. I would have endured a lifetime of panic attacks to save my sister. I wasn’t given that choice.
Take good care. Let me know if you have any questions.